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Oct. 10th, 2009 @ 10:56 pm Writer's Block: Gone Too Far
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What is the scariest incident with drugs or alcohol you’ve witnessed or personally experienced? How did it change you?

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After my last visit to Sarasota to try to keep Philipp from leaving me (2/08), I had to take a bus home. There is a lot of back story, but from that point on: I took a whole xanax bar when I got on the bus in the afternoon. About an hour later the bus stopped and I woke up enough to go into the rest stop, use the bathroom, and take another bar and a half. I woke up again when the bus pulled into the Ft. Lauderdale station and took another bar and a half. It took about 45 minutes to get home, and then I started drinking. I had a few rum and cokes and then took a handful of mixed painkillers and muscle relaxants (probably 6-7, not sure what they were) and another 2 whole bars. I had never taken more than half a bar at a time before this point. I kept drinking until I passed out, I think I finished half a bottle of rum. I thought for sure that I would just sleep through the next few days, but I was sadly mistaken. I didn't sleep for long at all... I woke up but couldn't move. My heart was racing, all my insides were killing me, and I was having a nonstop panic attack for at least two hours. I called my sister to tell her what I did and try to calm down, but there was no undoing what I had just done to myself. I really thought I was going to die that night. I mean, I have cut myself really deeply and had some crazy drugging experiences, but never before was I just so certain that it was really the end. I was in that paralyzed anxious state for what seemed like forever, and then I started hallucinating. Not the little birdie kind of hallucinating, the kind where you can't really put your finger on what is happening but it is scary as hell and you can't stop it or make it go away; closing your eyes just makes it worse. My body must have just given out from all of that at some point because the next thing I remember I woke up about 18 hours later and still couldn't really move much. I was able to drag myself to the foot of the bed and then onto the chaise, but I had to stop after every foot because I was in so much physical agony. I laid there in a half-coma for a few hours and then crawled to the kitchen. It took me about 20 minutes to make it that far. I laid on the cold floor for a few minutes to calm down and then pulled a tupperware container of cooked white rice out of the fridge and scooped out about 1/2 cup in a coffee cup. I made it to the living room couch with the cup and managed to get 2 or 3 bites down. I stayed on the couch for another few hours crying, knowing I made it past the point of death and still mourning the whole situation with Philipp. I kept having withdrawal symptoms for a week or so.

After that, I didn't drink or touch alcohol for over a year, became vegetarian (also lasted about a year), and never cut myself again. It's one thing to just keep abusing your own body for punishment, but that experience was so extreme in every way- physically, psychologically, emotionally, and it lasted so long at such intensity, I think I just scared the hell out of myself. It was one of those experiences you never want to even risk having again.
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Sep. 11th, 2009 @ 07:33 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: melancholy
is it possible? will my life continue if my mind regresses into sickness? never before did i have so much going "right," never a reason to hang on out of fear. do i continue to fight it, swallow it down, hold it in and pretend everything is okay, or do i just... let go?
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Sep. 11th, 2006 @ 12:07 am apparently not
so I guess God wasn't the answer for me after all. at least not yet. I woke up this morning at 11:30 and instead of freaking out, and rushing out the door concocting some excuse for being so late for work, I rolled over and decided I don't want that job anyway. and I didn't feel like going to that new church either. nothing moved me.

I did eventually go to the mall with liz and make the bulletin board for kumon, so im not a hermit or anything. i just feel personally stunted. there are so many images of life that come to mind- a hurricane, where i am in the eye, paralyzed, unknowing, everything going on so quickly around me, yet waiting to be mowed down and passed by. anchored in the ocean, not knowing what to do or which way is up, while the tide goes in without me. I just feel like my SELF- who i am, who i want to be, what makes me happy, my dreams- are all trapped in space, completely empty, unattached. meanwhile, life goes on way faster that i can keep up with, and i feel like i am being passed by as I stand still trying to figure out who i am.

I think, what makes me happy? what do I want to do? who am i? how do I figure all this out? why am I so unhappy now, and how do I fix it? what if I don't figure it all out in time? when is that time? how much of my life have I wasted already, and how much more will I spend doing the same? why am I the only one who is so lost? why is there nothing defining about who i am, at least to me? when I look inside my head, all i see is emptiness (no joke intended). i don't even know what makes me, me anymore. not a single little thing. i also dont know what i want to make me, me. dont know who i am, dont know who i wanna be, dont know how to change.

so with all of that, and nothing "me" in my mind, the last thing i am ready for is to recommit my life to God.
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Sep. 9th, 2006 @ 10:14 pm lost soul
Lately, nothing has been satisfying me. And not just in the greedy materialistic way that I am used to. I find my current situation in life to be crappy, but I can't really escape it in a way that will help me in the future. I have to work these 2 jobs to pay my rent. I am needed at Kumon, but the amount of work has tripled since I started and I am frankly not being paid what I am worth there. I stay because of the kids. The golf center is absolute torture, but I feel unjustified in complaining because it is easy work and a casual environment. Neither of these jobs is adding anything useful to my resume. I am at PBCC doing just enough work to get by, and I am actually intimidated by having to maintain a 3.0 because I just don't have the time or the drive to study. I got set on my plan to be a dog groomer because I decided that doing something I loved was the most important thing. But being in my current situation, I am afraid that I will always be living paycheck to paycheck. And when I am struggling so hard to be totally independent, that just doesn't seem good enough to me. I don't know what will make me happy, and I dont know how to make any of this better.

Rob, the repair guy at the golf center, was talking to me today about God, and it was so refreshing. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and I didn't even know it. I was so inspired, I decided to check out his church tomorrow. Then I got to thinking about how the last time I was truly deeply happy for a long period of time was when I was completely devoted to the Lord. Then a couple hours later, I thought, if I was so happy, why did I ever stray? Is this just going to be another let-down? Why should I even get into something that already didn't end up working out? And am I just latching onto the first panacea that I hadn't thought of yet? What are my intentions? I don't even know if I believe in a God, but I have always just been so desperate for something absolute in my life.

But then again... maybe this is the right thing, and I'm just afraid. It would make sense, since that is pretty much what stops me from doing everything else. But why am I even afraid to try? I try to be so fearless, I will never admit defeat to anyone, but my number one fantasy is of just packing a few things into a bag and disappearing off the face of the earth to become a wanderer for the rest of my days.

Damn Teddy....
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Mar. 18th, 2006 @ 12:38 am THE chair
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Mar. 12th, 2006 @ 12:46 am regrets
i regret every time i would tell my mom to pick up the phone because i didnt want to talk to her, because she always wanted to talk for so long. i feel like i missed out on so much with her, and its my own fault. ironic now, because i would give anything to talk to her again. i dont know why i can be fine sometimes, and then out of nowhere i think of her and just cry and cry. It's only been 3 months, and it already feels like its been forever since ive seen her. I never even saw her that much anyways, only on holidays and during the summer. And I never really wanted to go during the summer. Angie and I would go out to movies or just to drive around to avoid having to sit around with the fam. Now there is no fam. She WAS the fam. Without her, nothing holds us together. Now, not only do i not have a home, i dont have a family. Or maybe that is redundant and I just never realized it before.
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Feb. 21st, 2006 @ 11:29 pm Fun in MD
  

  

     





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Feb. 12th, 2006 @ 08:14 pm new dresser!

got the dresser at the peggy adams animal rescue league thrift shop. they have awesome quality furniture cos theyre in a rich area.. the inside of the dresser looks brand new! the mirror was liz's mom, i painted and distressed it. and since then i added the handles and put strings on beads on one corner

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Feb. 9th, 2006 @ 12:59 am check out the new specs
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Jan. 21st, 2006 @ 10:33 pm Liz's ring, finally! isnt it gorgeous?!!!
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Jan. 16th, 2006 @ 05:05 am oooooh yeah baby
injury is like orgasm. but better.
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Jan. 15th, 2006 @ 03:36 pm 72 years
happy birthday grannymama. i miss you every day.
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Jan. 10th, 2006 @ 02:11 am ad memoriam
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Jan. 9th, 2006 @ 02:16 am :-/
i miss kissing... a lot
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Jan. 8th, 2006 @ 12:12 pm i <3 me
day 3 of the diet, 8lbs lost, and i dont feel constantly deprived anymore! this may just work!
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Dec. 30th, 2005 @ 06:06 pm resolutions: just plain evil, or a necessary evil?
i always try to have a new years resolution, but i dont know why. i never keep them, nor are they ever very realistic, so why do i knowingly set myself up for failure? there is something special about ringing in a new year that gives people that warm, glossy-eyed, euphoric feeling of child-like hope and excitement. or maybe thats just from the drinking. either way, the new year is symbolic of a clean slate, a new beginning. and who among us wouldn't like to start over with a fresh outlook and a positive change in our life? i know i certainly would, but is that even slightly realistic? so many people make such outlandish resolutions that there is just no hope of success.

for example, if you have been smoking like a chimney for the past 20 years, you are not going to be able to quit cold turkey just because the date now ends in a 6 instead of a 5. if you are a chronic commitment-phobe, a lasting and meaningful relationship will not just fall into your lap unless 2006 is your new weekly therapy fee. so then if you find yourself sitting on the couch on the second friday night in January, watching bridget jones, with only the glow of a menthol to illuminate your sad life, maybe the idea will finally come across you to set smaller goals. SO you decide to just cut back on the smoking to one pack a day, and then BAM! your resolution comes true. but since you were only smoking a pack and a half a day to begin with, this isnt that big of a change. and then with every nasty smoker hack you cough out, you will feel like a failure again. and then you get stuck in the cyclic "change is impossible" way of thinking.

it is only then, after you have gone through the necessary initial failure that you make a real effort at changing whatever aspect of your life that you don't like. you finally dont expect to be able to magically change your ways just because of something as trivial as a new day. 2006 wont be any different than 2005, and once you have realized that, then maybe you will start using nicorette and take up a hobby to busy yourself in the time that you would be smoking. and if you cant afford that therapist, maybe you will start letting your friends set you up, or just start talking to that forbidden, tattooed, sexy guy working in the music section.

so then is the whole new years resolution really necessary in the first place? if we can get out of our initial ruts, shouldnt life just be a continuous cycle of pushing ourselves to change for the better? and why is it that some of us just never get over that initial failure, while others are able to go on to achieve their goals? the new years resolution is just our way of putting a temporary band-aid on our past failures and unwillingness to actually do something to affect change, which in turn sets us up for more continued failure. i move to abolish the new years resolution and just start living a life more geared towards continual positive change and against self-sabotage and quick fixes like the new years resolution. (oops, did i just make one?)
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Dec. 29th, 2005 @ 11:38 pm when credit card debt is worth it

 

my kind of love at first sight...  *swoon*

 

 

now i REALLY need a job!!

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Dec. 24th, 2005 @ 05:00 pm bah humbug
i cant wait for christmas to be over and have everyone the hell out the house so i can resume my usual pointless life...

and as of late, happy couples make me angry, so if you are happy and a couple, keep it to yourself!
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Dec. 20th, 2005 @ 09:55 pm silly silly
i am a foolish girl. i dont know why i even had my hopes up...
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Dec. 16th, 2005 @ 12:17 am shoot me, please
this has been, by FAR, the absolute most miserable, terrible entire year of my life.
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